το Γεύμάδα – The Mealiad

Conceptualised by Deepak Dhruvkumar H

The following is a modern-day interpretation of the first part of Book I of
The Iliad by Homer. It is set in the Employee Meeting Room of Argos Pvt. Ltd.

Characters – Occupation Description – Iliad Counterpart

Achari – Business Development – Achilles
Alagesan – Senior Manager, Procurement – Agamemnon
Aiyappa – Administration Head (Alagesan’s goon) – Ajax
Appadorai – Chief of Human Resource – Apollo
Brinda – Cook on Achari’s floor – Briseis
Calicut John – Trainee (In probation) – Calchas
Heera – Chief Marketing Officer – Hera
Idamangalam – Administraion Assistant (Alagesan’s goon) – Idomeneus
Kalaivani – Alagesan’s wife – Clytemnestra
Krishnappa – Food Vendor – Chryses
Kumari – (The best available) Cook – Chryseis
Michael – Senior Manager, Procurement – Menelaus
Odissikumar – Finance Officer (Alagesan’s goon) – Odysseus
Zeeshan – Chief Executive Officer – Zeus

Alagesan has somehow convinced Kumari to work for him as a private cook. Kumari actually works for Krishnappa who is the food vendor in charge of catering for Argos Pvt. Ltd. When Krishnappa learns about this, he tries to strike a deal with the stubborn Alagesan to get Kumari back, as she is his best cook. The Chief of Human Resource Appadorai has a soft spot for the vendor Krishnappa as the latter has been the longest serving food vendor for Argos Pvt. Ltd. When he comes to know what has happened, he decides to withhold the salaries as well as the food of the employees till Krishnappa gets Kumari back. This is when Achari intervenes to get the situation resolved quickly, but after hearing what Alagesan says in reply, Achari’s fury knows no bounds.

Let’s talk about the terribly upset Achari,
Son of Perumalswamy, and the misfortune
That left so many waiting
For their monthly remuneration.
The will of Zeeshan was happy from the moment
They quarrelled,
Alagesan, son of Alagarsamy, and Achari.
Whose side should the C-level management pick?
After Alagesan refused an important tender,
The Chief of HR Appadorai said
No payments will be made
And the employees therefore,
Will not be receiving any payments or food.
Krishnappa had offered to give a year-long
Subscription of full meals for all employees.
But that was not important for Alagesan.
He had, instead, taken the best cook only
For himself.
The cook who could cook Indian,
Chinese AND Continental dishes.
Krishnappa said “Please take these meal coupons,
You can get meals at a discounted rate
For the whole year!
But please reassign the cook to me,
Your Chief HR is already furious.”
All the other employees
Supported the vendor and shouted to reverence him
And accept the lovely offer. But Alagarsamy’s son
Alagesan was far from pleased.
Roughly he sent him
Away with these words:
“Don’t let me find you,
Old man, by the cafeteria, neither loitering now
Nor coming back later, or you will find small protection
Behind the counter. The woman I will not let go!
Before that she’ll grow even older in Argos Pvt Ltd, far
From the catering company she worked for.
She will work in my kitchen, and specifically cook for me,
Since I am the one who benefits most from all
The vendor dealings, because I am the most senior
When it comes to the Procurement Department.
Leave this place if you don’t want my goons
To harm you further!”
At this, the aging vendor was afraid
And did as the Senior Manager of Procurement bade him do.
Without a word
He climbed down the spiral staircase as the elevator was not working.
After coming down a couple of floors,
He sent an email to Appadorai from his phone:
“Dear Sir,
PFA PDF containing details of the issue at hand.
Rgds.”
Appadorai received the email instantly as he was
Waiting keenly in front of his computer.
Krishnappa had been the most loyal vendor to
The company, and he did not like
Alagesan’s guts.
Immediately, Appadorai sent a mass email to all
The employees, stating that their payment
Will be withheld.
The employees’ phones and laptops started
Beeping all at once, and they knew
It wasn’t going to be good news.
For nine hours they were left in confusion
Whether to quit this wretched company,
When finally, Achari himself,
Heeding the advice of the
Chief Marketing Officer, Heera,
Called for a meeting of the employees at the
Tenth hour:
“Now, O son
Of Alagarsamy, it seems that we shall be
Baffled and driven
Back home, if indeed we do not find a solution
To appease the Chief HR.
But come,
Let us find a corporate consultant to address
This issue, one who is qualified in Six Sigma,
For even Boss Zeeshan is not sure why
Appadorai rages. If it be because of a
Bribe or some commission not given to him,
Perhaps he may accept
A gold-plated watch, with a white face which
Has tiny diamonds beside each numeral.
He may change his mind.”
When he had spoken and sat down again in
The cramped meeting room,
Calicut John, who was very familiar with
Internal politics, who knew what was
And had been, and also things that were to be,
And who had,
By means of his keen ear for eavesdropping
Struck a major deal with
The coffee-machine company.
Using good leverage
He had installed the machines on each floor.
He said:
“Hey Achari, you want me to explain
Why Appadorai is cross with all of us.
I’ll tell you what I know. But you must make
Sure that you’ll protect me no matter what,
From the goons that *some* people have here.
It’s kinda scary taking up a beef with a senior
Manager of Procurement.
I’m still in probation, and I’m very concerned
About my job security.
Please confirm, in front of everyone,
That you will protect me.”
Then, Achari answered him thus:
“Don’t be scared, and tell us what you know.
I’ll make sure I speak to Boss Zeeshan
Himself, and won’t let anything
Affect your job security.
I know, when you speak of senior managers,
You are referring to Alagesan himself,
Who claims to be the best in the
Procurement Department.”
At this, the frail trainee mustered some courage, and spoke:
“It’s not an unreceived bribe or commission that makes
Appadorai furious,
But because Alagesan insulted his
Most loyal food vendor Krishnappa, by not
Accepting the offer of the meal coupons and not
Giving back his cook, Kumari.
So he wants to hold our payments until the
Issue is resolved, and Kumari is sent back
With the vendor. Now it’s too late to accept
The meal coupons too!
Therefore, we must appease Appadorai with
A gold-plated watch, with a white face which
Has tiny diamonds beside each numeral.
He may change his mind.”
When he had spoken and sat down again,
The self-proclaimed Procurement expert Alagesan,
Stood up in a rage among them. His heart
Boiled with wrath and his bloodshot eyes
Were covered by the rectangular frame of
His spectacles. He yelled at meek Calicut:
“You worthless fool! You still haven’t told
Me one good thing, be it rumours, or gossip,
Which has been advantageous to me! You always
Seem to dish out news which will be most
Unpleasant to me.
And now, in front of all these
In the Employee meeting, you go on
Blabbering some nonsense, telling the employees
It’s because of me
That the officer in charge of our salaries,
Has refused to release payment. Because
I refused a bunch of meal coupons
For the darling cook of Krishnappa,
Since I much prefer
To have her cook my meals at home.
I would really prefer her
To my wife, Kalaivani. For this old woman
Cooks much better than my wife.
At times like these, it would do me good to
Have more than just instant noodles to eat,
Especially since they have just been banned.
Even so, I want to give the lady back, if it is
The thing to do.
I prefer the men to be paid well, and to not
Die of starvation.
But you must prepare a gift for me at once.
For me to be the only Procurement person here
Without some gift of honour would hardly be right!
As you can see, my ‘gift’ is going elsewhere.”
Then Achari, the noble one, answered him thus:
“Sir, you seem to be so covetous,
How can we, the employees, give you a gift?
If there is a bonus we should receive, we’ve yet to learn of it,
And the commission we got from the last two projects
Has already been divided.
We have no right to take this back
From the employees.
But you, give up the cook, as the HR Chief
Demands. We employees will try to work extra hours
So as to achieve this quarter’s target
Three weeks in advance.”
And Alagesan spoke in reply:
“Though you seem like a man of valour,
Don’t try to outwit me like that,
For I’ll not be persuaded or gotten the best of by you!
Do you tell me to give the woman back so that you can keep
What you’ve got while I sit here with nothing?
If these employees reach their targets or
At least find me a cook equal
To the one I am losing, all right – but if they do not,
Then I myself will come and take your commission,
Or that of Aiyappa, or I’ll seize and bear off
Odissikumar’s commission. Whoever it is,
He would definitely not like it! But this
We can think about later. Right now let us
Send for someone to get the watch, and
Send it along with Kumari herself. And let one of you
Other seniors take charge, either Aiyappa,
Or Idamangalam, or Odissikumar,
Or Achari, you yourself, most sly of men,
That so you may offer gifts and appease
That man, Appadorai.”
Then Achari scowled at him:
“You greedy-minded, shameless degenerate!
How can any decent employee want to take
Orders from you, to do what you tell him to do
Or negotiate his best with idiotic vendors?
We employees are gathered here for you,
The incredibly shameless leader,
In an effort to gratify you! To support you and Michael–
The two most senior people in the Procurement Department
In times of this current crisis.
And you! Covetous dog that you are.
You don’t even acknowledge that
We have risked our jobs in supporting you two.
You choose to forget that, and now,
You want to put your dirty hands on MY commission.
I have never worked so hard and travelled to meetings
From Electronic City to Bidadi.
Whenever any of us crack a good deal,
The percentage of commission is never
Equal to yours. True, I get much more travel
Allowances and advanced reimbursements
For my share of chaotic travelling, but when
It comes to sharing the commission with the team,
Your portion is always far larger than mine!
Worn out travelling on a pathetic two-wheeler,
Without a car or driver, I go back home
With money not even enough for a good
Friday night’s pub-life.
I would much rather resign this thankless
Job, and get my bike serviced,
Than stay on here in disgrace
To heap up moolah for you!”
And the Senior Manager
Alagesan answered him thus:
“Go on and quit,
If you feel the urge so strongly. I do not beg you
To stay on my account. I’ve others here
Who honour and respect me, including the
Boss Zeeshan himself. Of all the team leads,
You are the most hateful to me, as strife
Is always dear to your heart. Your
customer relationship management is
A gift of god, so I’m sure you can find another
Company to work in. I have no regard for you,
Nor do I care how angry you are. But see now
How you like this. Since Appadorai is taking
Kumari from me, I’m returning her with a
watch from my expense – but I myself will come
To your pantry and take your cook, the lovely Brinda
That once and for all you may know how greatly I
Exceed you in power and excellence,
And another man will think twice before calling himself
My equal, and that too, right in my presence!”
He spoke,
And the pain from his words went
Deep in the son of Perumalsamy,
Rending the heart in his chest two ways
As to what he should do, whether to stretch out his arms
Break up the meeting, and strangle
Alagesan by gripping his collar, or swallow
His rage and control his temper.
He was thus divided in mind and heart,
With that fist of his tightly clenched.

Here ends the modern-day interpretation of the first part of Book I of The Iliad.